Over the past few days to a week, I've been struggling with a bit of depression. Not to compare myself with those truly combating the clinical ailment, of course. Just feeling generally down, agoraphobic and unwilling to get out of my room because I don't know what I'm going to do out there. This entry is an attempt to analyze the why and the how of these problems and feelings. Enjoy the rare opportunity to read something like this.
Humans are social creatures. By nature, we want communication and understanding from our peers. I'm of the opinion that when a social mind is deprived of outlets and interaction problems begin to surface.
Case in point: for the first 4 or 5 days I was in China I was away from a comfortable home environment with easy access to loved ones and friends to provide those social aspects of life we all crave. Arriving across the world with a bunch of material possessions, I was excited at first to explore my surroundings.
Qinghua is a massive university. It's about 2-3 times the size of the U of C's campus and has roughly the same number of students. It's lush, it's green and it's almost entirely alien.
It's not nearly big enough to prevent a 'trapped' feeling when you're inside the (guarded!) gates.
After the first few days, I met my roommate; Cristoff. A German MBA student from Aachen he is a fairly well traveled student fluent in English. Talkative when you engage his interest, he's mostly a private person. Saw very little of him the first few days we shared the small hallway between our rooms and the common bathroom, other than a 'hello' and 'goodbye' here and there.
Before going on, I'm going to let you in on something not many people know about me. Hell, I don't really know it about myself; this is something I'm discovering more and more that is an annoying trait. I'm cripplingly shy about forcing myself into someone else's social life or scene. If I'm invited, I'll usually go and have a great time. Once that invitation is extended, I'm happy to join the fold and will have no trouble socializing when they make the first gesture. I always feel awkward (to the point of inaction) when asking if they have room for one more.
Until I'm driven stir-crazy enough and lonely enough that I finally asked him if I could tag along when him and his friends went to the Silk Market. I went, met about 10 Germans who all speak fluent English (a common thing, apparently) and had a great time. Nice people, one and all.
Met a few Aussie's too whom I have hung out with quite a bit. That was a random 'my name is x, my name is y' thing in class, and then we were all eating in the Foreign Student Cafeteria and they invited me to their table when they spotted me. Note the similarity; the first move was made by them.
I think I'm rambling. I always write more when I'm in a 'down' state of mind.
I've been trying to fill my days with distractions, but it's not working so well. 3 hours of studying, a 3 hour bike-ride and lunch fills 6-7 hours out of the 14 I'm usually awake. I play video games on my laptop, but I feel crummy when doing so and it never lasts long.
Coherency bedamned, this is another attempt to fill my time with a distraction. I've been riding my bike a lot. I've probably ridden around the northwest near campus for about 10-12 hours total over the past 4 or 5 days. It's uncomfortable and my bike has just about bit the dust. Besides which, I've explored a lot of what can easily be accessed in this area. I've taken my camera with me, but I don't feel motivated to take photos.
Motivation might be my problem. Maybe when classes have started (Everyone else I have met is in class already) I'll be able to find something to do with my time or some group I can regularly spend down-time with.
I'm bored and a bored mind is a vicious one. I need cheering up, but more than that I need social interaction.
In closing, I don't really expect anyone to have read all of this.
Thanks,
- Nathan
p.s.: Here's a crummy photo of someone fishing in a canal on campus.
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